WTF!!!

Ok its been a crazy year and all I can say is WTF! This blog is going to be on how I feel how angry I am, happy I am and confused I am! I just got out of the hospital yesterday and I was admitted on Monday 4/19/10. I started to spot lightly on Sunday, I already knew! I knew I was going thru a miscarriage! I called my Doctor of course she said it doesn't mean anything now to wait til Monday and go in and see her. But I knew!! I go in on Monday morning she checks me then she schedules a ultrasound for me to get checked in case, I went and got my blood drawn and then waited for my ultrasound! I started to CRAMP UP!! This was like labor cramps but worse! I miscarried before in 1999 so I already knew what was going to happen! So while I was waiting for my Ultrasound I sat there and I felt like a HUGE bag of blood just exploded in my pants! It was HORRIBLE!! I felt blood going down my leg and everything! I told the lady in the office I'm miscarrying and I need to go to the bathroom! As I was walking to the bathroom all I could do was CRY! went to the bathroom can cried more! I called my Dr. which her office was upstairs and told her what was happening and she came downstairs and brought me some scrubs to change into. She told me to just wait and change then go upstairs to her office. Ok I sat there and sat there just crying my husband kept calling I talked to him for a lil bit and I told him I can't really talk I'll call him back and I hung up! One hour later a nurse from my Dr. office came down to help me now this is one hour of bleeding still heavy blood everywhere in this little bathroom and I was getting light headed. This nurse came I opened the door and she helped me up and all I remember is saying "I'm dizzy!!" and I passed OUT!! I now understand the meaning of My life flashed before my eyes!! Now I don't want to sound like I saw the other side cause I really have no idea what I saw all I remember is I knocked out I was on the floor and I didn't know I was passed out! I just remember hearing voices but I saw all white and people walking but it was so quick I thought of my kids my family and I heard the nurse's voice saying she just fainted! and she needed help she ran and got the Dr. from the ER! Ok this type of shit was CRAZY! I NEVER PASS OUT! til now! I just remember the ER doctor saying if that nurse never found her she would of just bled to death and no one would of found her it would of been too late! WOW! Ok SCARY! WTF! I remember one of them wanting my phone number to call someone and I guess one of the nurses went thru my phone and called my last number that called me and it was my husband! Long story short I had to have a blood transfusion cause I lost ALLOT of blood and I was HELLA SCARED! but all in all everything went good my brother and dad came and gave me a blessing and I am feeling better! My parents is telling me don't have anymore kids, my husband is saying no more kids! But I want 1more kid! I don't know! I'm really debating! I'm really starting to ALMOST give up! I know I know don't give up! But in my head I'm thinking I need to start on the same page as my husband side by side and start fresh together! I don't know!! I'm LOST! So lost and confused more now! I'm thinking too much my doctor has me on Anti depressants and I think I'm gonna stop taking them because I don't know what da hell its supposed to make me feel. I'm praying and I feel like nothing is going my way I don't want anything else to happen to my family or I for sure give up on everything I was trying so hard for! I know god left me here on earth to take care of my kids here! But for that little time that I was passed out I felt NO PAIN felt like I've been there before! But woke up! Gosh what a year..I'm falling and all I want to do is be home and never come out! I'm falling and I don't know if I want help... Satan is REALLY working hard on my family, and I feel like my husband and I are going to weary off the right path! I'm trying NOT to let Satan win. But its really hard when one is letting him pull you to his side and one is standing alone and is really thinking to stand by you! I love my family and Alani I miss you tons! Alani you will never be forgotten!! Much Love!! What a Year! It Freakin sucks!! So far!

Can't Sleep..

Today we had our Family home evening and to me things are still NOT the same here I know everyday goes by and its supposed to be easier but HONESTLY, its really not. I have to say I am happy that my little family is getting closer and is on the right path, but I feel like I'm still in the same place the same spot not moving anywhere. That's just weird to me. Well the days go by and it's KINDA better. Everyday I do try to start doing the things I usually would do but its not going by so easy for me. Last week I made shredded chicken with BBQ sauce which ALL my kids LOVE! and I couldn't help it but I started to cry, I was crying because when ever I would cook this my baby Alani would run to me to eat or to come and get the bone from me. That was hard and I realized that I can't not do the things that I used to do all the time when my baby was still alive just because he is not here with me now, but to me I feel like I just can't! Is that selfish of me? Why am I living my life like this? I keep saying to myself he is in such a better place now, but why can't I move on with my life? EVERY single day I think about my baby, and every single day I sit and try not to because it will just make me think of him and want him here more and more each day. I fell asleep and then I woke up again because I had to wash my husband and kids clothes for the next day and I couldn't stop thinking of when I used to do that allot when my baby Alani was still here, but the funny thing is he would usually wake up and get off the bed and sit at the top of the stairs and call for me or cry for me. and I would go upstairs and pick him up and we would go and lay back down and I would breastfeed him and he would go back to bed. That's what the saddest part is for me is I still have milk in my breast's that it never dried up and I was still nursing him. Every now and then I would leak just a little bit in my bra and I can't help but to cry. Because as a Nursing mother usually when your milk starts to leak is when your baby is crying or hungry. Yeah that sucks for me and with this pregnancy my emotions are sooo UP AND DOWN.. and my poor family is dealing with it. I love them!
Anyways my nights are coming back where I can't sleep again I will sleep early and wake up in the middle of the night and lay there and just try to go back to sleep but when I wake up I go check on my other kids, I think just because I'm still paranoid like I don't want them to sleep. I know I shouldn't worry about them with S.I.D.S but I still do with my 2yr old. My friend told me that kids have can have s.i.d.s up until they are 2yrs old so I still get scared with my 2yr old and constantly checking on him. I have never hated a anything in my whole life soo much like this S.I.D.S. But it made me think after all these years the Doctors still have no cure for this? and a friend and I were talking that this must be something that Heavenly Father made up to take the babies that he needs and its just un explained. Its soo sad but there is always something in this world that has to happen for good or bad. All I have to say now is this part of my life really freaking sucks right now and I REALLY do hope it will get better for me I know I sound sooo strong in my other blogs but some days I feel strong and some days I feel weak. I mean I know the Church is true and my testimony is so much stronger now. But still I'm only human and I MISS MY BABY SOOOO MUCH. I still sit here and think about allot of what if's. But I do have to let those go and I need to move forward and just remember all the happy thoughts of my son. I know he knows I miss him sooooo much! and LOVE HIM EVEN MORE! But all I can do is pray. Allot of the times I just forget and I only pray when I'm feeling down. Even tho I know I need to pray morning and night and before we eat,and we usually do. But that is something I really need to work on. It seems like alot of us only pray when we need something, when we are in need of help. I know Heavenly Father doesn't mind. But why do we do that only think of him when we are in need of help? I don't know, I think because we want comfort at that time we want a miracle, or we know he REALLY does live and he is the only one who can get us or help us in our time of need! I feel guilty because I am one of those people who always did that I would always only pray when I wanted his help, I now know that I need to stop doing that! I'm really trying to live my life like he would, but its harder than I thought. Every little thing that goes on in my brain makes me think, Holy crap Satan is stronger than I thought and he is everywhere. Like with my husband and I, sometimes there are just times where I get sooo angry with him about anything and we are not fighting everything is great but then in my head I feel the need to bring something up that I know that will make us start to fight so I'm debating should I? or NOT? and what do you know I bring it up like a dummy. and sure enough we start to argue. That is so Satan! haha I know that satan is trying not to have us go forward and seal our family and is trying everything to have us go backwards but my husband and I need to be the stronger person and stay on the right path. We both know what we need to do, but its the doing part that's hard. I'm really proud of my husband he did stop drinking, but he is working on his smoking. I'm trying not to pressure him I'm trying to encourage him and letting him quit when he is ready. Because I know how hard it is to quit smoking since I was a smoker also. I know his day of his last cig. will soon to come I just hope it will be really soon. I pray for that every time I bow my head. I Love my family so very much. and I hope I can go and close my eyes and have a good rest after I'm done with this. But I really do appreciate all the wonderful comments you all have left me and I really do take everything that is said to Heart! Thank you.. Much Love... and Alani I Love you sooo much You will NEVER be FORGOTTEN!

Easter Sunday and General Conference

I haven't written in here for a while and things got rocky the last couple days, and I got way LAZY to write. But yesterday was Easter Sunday and the 180th General Conference. For some reason I couldn't wait til it started because I just want to hear what the Lord wanted us to do and work on. To me General Conference is a yearly meeting of what Jesus Christs tells the prophet what to let us know what we need to start doing what to be prepared for down the road. Even tho that maybe way wrong, that's how I look at it. Well yesterday I woke up early I was going to make breakfast but everyone was still sleeping, I went to my parents to pick up my daughter and it was barley opening prayer when I got to my parents house so I sat there for a lil bit watching it and we left. We got home and I told my daughter to turn the t.v on to the Conference so we can listen to it while we cook and clean. Well I went upstairs and laid back down for a lil bit then I heard I think it was Donald L. Halstorm talking from upstairs and all I heard was something about a death of a baby or child.. I jumped up and RAN down the stairs and told my daughter to turn it up I sat there and listened to his talk I caught it when he was talking about a family who had lost a child and they were very strong in the church but when the child or baby passed I remember him saying they blamed the Doctors and then they turned their backs on the Lord. I was crying sooo hard first because I didn't hear the whole talk and hopefully I see it on a re run or something and because that was my story. Well that's how I felt but totally opposite my husband and I were not strong in the church we did not turn our backs on the Lord we understood that he was taken for a reason. But as I listened to the remaining of the talks that first session I could not stop crying! I was wondering in my head WOW! most of their talks and testimony was on families and tragedy. I thought and told my husband out of all the years I NEVER listened or watched conf. this one was the answer to my prayers. I felt like they were talking about my Life! I needed to watch it to help me cope still and Donald Halstrom said something like " if you never experience sorrow you'll never experience Joy" I think that's what he said but somewhere along that and its true, I look at it as if I NEVER lost my son that I LOVED WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL, I would still be doing the same thing drinking, smoking not going to church keep putting getting my kids sealed off.. But my son did pass away and what worse sorrow can a mother feel in her WHOLE LIFE..is to have a child pass away...and I understand that the HAPPIEST day of our lives will be that day when my family walks into that sealing room and we are sealed for ALL TIME AND ETERNITY! I believe that will be our Joy..After watching this conference this year that REALLY did strength my testimony and I REALLY know that Heavenly Father does hear EVERY single prayer..and that he does live.. I am really happy I was born to my parents and that all of us was put where we are in life for a reason..I look at life at a whole new standpoint now. Its just overwhelming! I LOVE MY SON Alani and until we meet again...Alani you will NEVER be forgotten!!!

I just barley told our family Doctor.

So today I was kinda online all day, I told my husband that I am going to get out of bed today and do something. Now that it's 3pm I'm still in the same spot. I feel like when I don't get up get ready I'm lazy ALL DAY! and I feel like I can't get out of bed. Well I had to call our family Dr. today and have her fill out some papers for my husbands work for when he was off work. How ridiculous jobs now a days ONLY give you paid 2days for bereavement that doesn't make sense to me. I mean he took off 2wks off but that had to be under FMLA, but how do they think people can cope in 2days. Don't they put themselves in the other persons shoes to see if that is possible or not? Its really NOT POSSILBLE to be happy in 2days after your child has past. Well anyway I had to call my Dr. to have her fill out his papers for work and keep in mind I really never called and told my Dr. what happend and what was going on til today. I started talking and I started BALLING my eyes out! This Dr. delivered ALL my kids except for Samu and Fehoko. She was shocked and just sooo understanding. Wondered why didn't you call me sweetie? I debated on telling her to see if she wanted to come to the funeral or not when Alani passed but I never got around to it. She was asking how I was doing and if I needed any depression meds? I then told her that I found out I was pregnet on Friday and she said to me WOW God works in mysterious ways doesn't he? and she is Catholic so I was surprised she said that and I said "Yes he does". I don't know why I couldn't stop crying after I told her, I think because she saw my kids from babies up til now and she knows how much I LOVE KIDS! When I was pregnet with Alani my Doctor's daughter was in a major accident and her daughter almost died at the age of 16. I remember when she was measuring my belly she said to me that this is the hardest thing because her daughter was in acoma for weeks and she woke up not knowing or remembering anything. I thought to myself back then and told her your soooo lucky your daughter is still alive.
Then when months went by I took Alani back for his check ups and I would always ask her how is her daughter? She would say not too good that her daughter is just now barley talking and her daughter would say to her mom "Why didn't you just let me Die?" I was thinking OMG wow thats horrible. But after my Doctor went on about how much her daughter was going thru and thats why her daughter said that. It made me think would I want to do that to my child? I mean I would be sooo happy that my child would be alive, but that would make ME HAPPY! but then again if my child was suffering would I rather sacrifice losing that child and not being able to see my child again then to see my child suffer thru his/her's daily life? You know what if I didn't know what I know now about the gospel and eternal life after death I would probley not want to lose my child. But to me I think if you belive in God even if your not LDS to me its all the same as long as you BELIVE! I don't know I'm just really greatful for the gospel and I can't stop saying that. I know that ALL PARENTS no matter LDS, Catholic, Methodist or any other religion LOVE AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEIR CHILDREN. No Doubt! We are all in the same boat, and going thru the same stuff here on earth. I'm soo very blessed to have the people in my life, In my life. Such as great friends that maybe I haven't seen since High school or Jr high that we pick up where we left off and act like we have been keeping in touch all these years. I'm glad that I didn't listen to my parents back in Jr high and High school when they were trying to keep me away from my husband because he was a "bad boy".LOL I love my husband he is a GREAT man. He wants the best for his family and wants to provide the best for his kids, but I want him to know that the BEST for his kids is to seal them all to us. I think that beats a new pair of shoes to new clothes or even new toys. I know he knows this and I want him to know I'm patiently waiting, and I can't wait! I think that's when OUR REAL LIVES will Start!
I LOVE YOU ALANI! and you will Never be forgotten!

Day by Day

Today is the 2nd day writing and Yesterday I did pretty well. We went to the cemetary visited my baby since that was his 1month yesterday. I sat there looking at my kids running around and thought of my baby that he would be running around also. Little things like that when I see my kids just acting like kids I always see my baby right behind them following them. Still til this day when we pack the kids up to go somewhere I still feel like someone is missing. I can't even take his carseat out of our car yet, its not hooked up its just in our car. I'm not ready to have that removed. Call me crazy but it still has his scent from the last time he sat in it.
After the cemetary we went to my brothers house then my neice treated me and 3 of my kids to the movies. It was a nice night but I almost didn't go to the movies just because I feel like I'm out of my comfort zone I rather just stay home. I'm not fully ready to be around people I guess I don't know, I just feel uncomfortable around other babies or kids that would be around his age just because I think of him and imagine my son. It's so crazy because when other people talk about my son Alani I just don't want to hear it,like I'm the only one who can talk about him like when my other kids say something like a memory or this is what Alani would do I'm quite and I feel like telling them not to bring him up. It makes me feel selfish I have NO idea why I feel that way. But I know that my kids ALL Love and Miss him just as much as my husband and I do.
Yesterday in the morning my 2yr old Fehoko woke up kinda just woke up and his eyes opened and I was just lookin at him he just layed there looking at Alani's picture that we have in our room and stared at it for a minute. Then he went back to sleep. I feel sad for my son because he was close in age with Alani. Fehoko is 2yrs old and Alani was 1yrs old but they were just like twins. They played together,would eat together and would fight together but Fehoko would always let Alani win. Fehoko never really would fight back to Alani, maybe sometimes we would catch him pushing alani and alani would just get back up and fight back. But fehoko would always share his food with Alani even when he didn't want to. Alot of the times Fehoko would be eating and here came Alani and he woulld take whatever fehoko was eating and walk away and fehoko would just cry. That was always fun to watch cause I thought it was so cute that he wouldn't do anything. I really feel that Fehoko knows that he is missing in our daily lives but I'm definetly sure that he still feels his lil brother around us. Alot of the times I feel like Alani is in fehoko. I don't mean like that movie "Ghost" where the spirit jumps into the human body and does things that only spirit would do. But I just notice little things when its just me and Fehoko,he does things just like Alani would do. For exsample the other day it was last week I was really having a bad time missing Alani and I couldn't get out of bed and Ray was at work I woke up that morning and made the other boys breakfast let them eat and I went upstairs and laid in bed and just couldn't stop crying because that was a regular routine with all of the boys. Shortly maybe 5min later Fehoko comes upstairs and peaks thru my door and walks over to the side of the bed and lifts his hands to pick him up and he just layed with me and gave me hugs. I cried even more and I said to fehoko "Thank you Alani for telling Fehoko to come up and checking on me" I know it sounds crazy but I really do feel like he doesn't want me to cry over him and to be sad that he is gone. That day I can honestly say that I was feeling and thinking "What if I took sleeping pills and just never woke up?" I know Harsh right,but I thought of ALL my kids and my husband and family and what a SELFISH thing that would be for me to do. But that day Fehoko laid by me ALL DAY and slept and stuck by my side. I am Greatful for those little things in life. I knew it was not my time yet like one of my friends said to me that what if we did comitt suicide and we get to see our son we would see that our son is HAPPY AND SAFE and our childern and family here on earth are just so heartbroken and it would be too late. That really made sense to me, I know my baby is in a safe and happy place where there is NO SORROW NO HARM and he is in VERY GOOD HANDS. I know the reason that I hurt so much day by day is because I don't know the gospel yet the FULL GOSPEL yet. There is sooo much more for my family and I to learn I can say I'm so very excited. I know the happiest day of our lives will be that day we are sealed for time and eternity.
As the days go by I look at my past and I thought to myself "what a wonderful like I lived" I did everything I wanted to do went out with great friends, had great times with my husband had wonderful childern. So now I think that this is now the time to change for me not because my son passed away and not because I'm pregnet now. Just because I feel it in my heart that I went and did the things I wanted to do for so long such as smoking, drinking, not going to church not paying my tithing not living by the gospel the only thing I knew was that the Church is true. But not really KNOWING. If that makes sence. But now I feel like my eyes are open and I know what we need to do. Even tho I still get angry I still swear (but I'm sooo working on that) and still watch T.V on sundays. But I think alot of people still shares that same weaknesses. As long as I can conqure the major things such as my drinking and smoking. That was my first step.
My kids are sooo HAPPY that I quit that they used to bug me alot and say "stop smoking" that I'm gonna die fast. How crazy that I didn't even care back then that I thought I was not going to die anytime soon that I would Imagine myself living til all my kids are married. But now I know that NOTHING is gurenteed in life. But if we are sealed that is the Gurentee in life for my kids and my husband and I.
You know anything is possible in life, You just have to make it possible, and if a person such as I who strayed from the church for sooo long can feel so passionate about how the chruch is true and that there is life after death. That this is not it for us when we pass. Thats why I always wonderd "why would my mom would say"I just want to die before I get older" because she doesn't want to suffer here on earth that her pain would be no more, that she already knows that she has her gurenteed Eternal Life. For me right now I would be scared if I passed away because I do not have that gurentee yet and how long would I have to wait til that day.
I can honestly say that everyday I feel closer to the lord, the more I pray.
Everyday I say a prayer for help to get thru the day without hurting and crying it really does help me get thru my day. All I know is that Day by Day it is getting better for me.
I just want to say I love my family and kids Soo much. Alani I Love you so very much. You will Never be forgotten..

almost my one month without my baby!

Sorry for those of you who read this, this is my first blog and I had NO idea how to start off or to finish this is probley all over the place, but I am only writing whats in my heart and writing in this like a Journal to help me move on from day to day. So please give me your input and suggestions.. Thanks.
Today is 3/26/2010 tomorrow will be the exsact one month since my son has passed. My emotions are so uncontrolable, I have NO idea how to feel since he passed away on 2/27/2010 on a Saturday and tomorrow is also a Saturday. I feel like its repeating itself for some reason but he is already gone. I feel like I won't want to sleep tonite.
Everyday as I wake up I see alani's picture and I cry, I go to sleep I see his picture and I cry. All I keep thinking about is WHY? Why me, Why my family? When I already know the answer to it is.. it was already planned and ment to be. Before my baby passed I would always sit and think about random things in life like what if my parents passed what would I do? or What if my husband passed what would I do? and I would think about what if one of my kids passed away what would I do? and I would just cry thinking about it and I would say to myself I don't think I can LIVE! Now since my son passed away I feel like I CAN'T LIVE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE I don't want to do ANYTHING. Everywhere in my house is ALL MEMORIES of HIM.. from my other kids to the stairs to the bathroom and our kitchen he was everywhere in this house and its like a movie to me like in the movies when someone has passed away they show what is supposed to be a spirit still around them and I pretend like I can still see him and I pick him up and lay with him in bed.I still sleep with his favorate pajamas and his bottle in my bed. Sometimes I look at my 2yr old and cry cause I sometimes pretend he is alani and I just hug and kiss him.
Alot of the times all I want to do is sleep and stay in bed for when I sleep I feel NO PAIN. But when I wake up ALL MY PAIN starts ALL OVER AGAIN and it wasn't a dream it really happend. How many times I wake up wishing that it was a dream. But I am really greatful that I got to share his 14months of life and he was really a GREAT blessing to this family. I belive that Heavenly Father sent him to my husband and I so that we may WAKE UP and seal our many children to us for Eternity. All my life I always knew what was right and wrong and knew that I wanted to be sealed but we kept putting it on HOLD. Its sad to say that it took us to have a son taken from us in order for us to get on the right path but honestly I think of my son alani kind of like Jesus my son sacrificed himself for his family in order to have himself and his brothers and sister sealed. Now I feel like everything is taking so long and that we will never get there. I was born and raised in LDS church and went to church every Sunday with my parents just like my husband,but why don't I know anything about the church all I know is its true but I still know NOTHING. How sad is that. I know converts that know more than me and I grew up in the church. But I know that everything takes time and we will eventually get there.
I am so greatful for the gospel and I really do know that the church is true. The weird thing is I used to just say that but not feel it alot of the times, but now I truely feel it and know it deep in my heart. I Love my family with all my heart and I know its going to take longer than I think to try to move on but I honestly pray with all my heart to help me get thru this day without being so sad to enjoy my kids and husband and not be such a downer for them, for I know they hurt too.
Its crazy how god works in this world one month from when my son passed I just happend to also find out I am 4wks pregnet. I told my husband today with tears in my eyes why would Heavanly Father take our baby and then bless us with another? I was happy with the last baby. (as tears roll down my face) My husband said God had plans for Alani and now another lucky baby will be sent down to us again. My sister also explained to me that I am so very lucky because there are spirits up there that is just waiting for a body and waiting to be born and god knows that I'm one of those women who can help another lucky spirit waiting to be born. I am so very greatful that I am expecting again, I'm really just scared that something so horrible can happen again. I pray and pray that it won't but hopefully my husband and kids and I will be sealed just in time before this baby is welcomed into this world. But only God knows and I know he belives in US.
Until next time, Thanks for reading my boring blog.
Much love to my Son Alani..You will NEVER be forgotten...