Sorry for those of you who read this, this is my first blog and I had NO idea how to start off or to finish this is probley all over the place, but I am only writing whats in my heart and writing in this like a Journal to help me move on from day to day. So please give me your input and suggestions.. Thanks.
Today is 3/26/2010 tomorrow will be the exsact one month since my son has passed. My emotions are so uncontrolable, I have NO idea how to feel since he passed away on 2/27/2010 on a Saturday and tomorrow is also a Saturday. I feel like its repeating itself for some reason but he is already gone. I feel like I won't want to sleep tonite.
Everyday as I wake up I see alani's picture and I cry, I go to sleep I see his picture and I cry. All I keep thinking about is WHY? Why me, Why my family? When I already know the answer to it is.. it was already planned and ment to be. Before my baby passed I would always sit and think about random things in life like what if my parents passed what would I do? or What if my husband passed what would I do? and I would think about what if one of my kids passed away what would I do? and I would just cry thinking about it and I would say to myself I don't think I can LIVE! Now since my son passed away I feel like I CAN'T LIVE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE I don't want to do ANYTHING. Everywhere in my house is ALL MEMORIES of HIM.. from my other kids to the stairs to the bathroom and our kitchen he was everywhere in this house and its like a movie to me like in the movies when someone has passed away they show what is supposed to be a spirit still around them and I pretend like I can still see him and I pick him up and lay with him in bed.I still sleep with his favorate pajamas and his bottle in my bed. Sometimes I look at my 2yr old and cry cause I sometimes pretend he is alani and I just hug and kiss him.
Alot of the times all I want to do is sleep and stay in bed for when I sleep I feel NO PAIN. But when I wake up ALL MY PAIN starts ALL OVER AGAIN and it wasn't a dream it really happend. How many times I wake up wishing that it was a dream. But I am really greatful that I got to share his 14months of life and he was really a GREAT blessing to this family. I belive that Heavenly Father sent him to my husband and I so that we may WAKE UP and seal our many children to us for Eternity. All my life I always knew what was right and wrong and knew that I wanted to be sealed but we kept putting it on HOLD. Its sad to say that it took us to have a son taken from us in order for us to get on the right path but honestly I think of my son alani kind of like Jesus my son sacrificed himself for his family in order to have himself and his brothers and sister sealed. Now I feel like everything is taking so long and that we will never get there. I was born and raised in LDS church and went to church every Sunday with my parents just like my husband,but why don't I know anything about the church all I know is its true but I still know NOTHING. How sad is that. I know converts that know more than me and I grew up in the church. But I know that everything takes time and we will eventually get there.
I am so greatful for the gospel and I really do know that the church is true. The weird thing is I used to just say that but not feel it alot of the times, but now I truely feel it and know it deep in my heart. I Love my family with all my heart and I know its going to take longer than I think to try to move on but I honestly pray with all my heart to help me get thru this day without being so sad to enjoy my kids and husband and not be such a downer for them, for I know they hurt too.
Its crazy how god works in this world one month from when my son passed I just happend to also find out I am 4wks pregnet. I told my husband today with tears in my eyes why would Heavanly Father take our baby and then bless us with another? I was happy with the last baby. (as tears roll down my face) My husband said God had plans for Alani and now another lucky baby will be sent down to us again. My sister also explained to me that I am so very lucky because there are spirits up there that is just waiting for a body and waiting to be born and god knows that I'm one of those women who can help another lucky spirit waiting to be born. I am so very greatful that I am expecting again, I'm really just scared that something so horrible can happen again. I pray and pray that it won't but hopefully my husband and kids and I will be sealed just in time before this baby is welcomed into this world. But only God knows and I know he belives in US.
Until next time, Thanks for reading my boring blog.
Much love to my Son Alani..You will NEVER be forgotten...
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Vika, you are so strong, and a wonderful mother! That is why the Lord is blessing you with another beautiful child. Yes Alani's time here was short, but now don't you look forward to eternity? What a wonderful reunion you all will have in heaven!! I love you and am so happy you started blogging, if u ever need help with anything!! CALL ME! Love you and thanks for making me bawl my eyes out!
ReplyDeleteSilia.. it's sooo beautiful! you made me cry!!! I am happy that you started with your blog and to know you're expecting. Congratulations. Keep writing girl. no, it is never boring. I enjoyed reading it. Love ya!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Vee..just finished reading your blog....I've always looked up to you cause you were always strong and I still do. I know your beautiful son is looking down on you everyday watching over his beautiful mother. I'm happy that you have another one on the way...how heartwarming it is to know that Alani is up in heaven right now with your new baby on the way.
ReplyDeleteI do wanna share something with you...it took me forever to come back to the church..i'm just barely walking the true path that heavenly father always wanted for me. But it wasn't til Zion that I FINALLY decided to change my life.
Someone once told me that once you start changing your life....being on your knees will be a constant thing. They were so right....I PRAY constantly even if its the smallest things. I know Heavenly Father hears me and just knowing that makes me happy.
I love you Vee and I know you're on the right track to sealing your family forever. Take Care and if you need anything I'm just around the corner...more like the other side of the park...=)
Ofa Lahi Atu...Marcy and Zion
Vika, I am so sorry for not asking you when I seen you at Walmart, if you were okay. I didn't want to hurt you or bring up the fact that of course you're not okay, so I didn't say anything. I apologize. Someone once shared a thought with me about "Why?." He said, "why do bad things happen to good people?" and his teacher responded, "to make them stronger." Vika, you have been blessed with a chosen child of God. What a wonderful blessing for you as a Mother! Do you realize how much faith the Lord has in you to send you one of His chosen angels? I admire you Vika and the strength and faith the Lord has in you. He knows that you will return home to Him and Alani one day. He knew when He sent you here to earth and when Alani was sent to earth, that you two would be reunited again, with full understanding of the atonement. Vika it is never too late to learn of the Gospel. You have trials daily that can stop progress, but that is why we have the Atonement. Be grateful for that Vika. I am soooo grateful for it. We are not perfect, but it is our challenge to "try" to be like our Savior. You can and you will do it Vika. I pray for you and I am here for you whenever you need me. Seriously let me know when you need a break, your children are always welcomed here. Hey Eby misses the boys. I love you Vika. Sorry that this is as long as your blog, but before I end I wanna leave you with a scripture Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your new beautiful baby on the way!
Hey Vika,
ReplyDeleteIt was a very beautiful first post on your new blog. Although you find it as a way to vent and relieve your pain, others may see it as a form of help and inspiration. As I read your blog I see it that way. I too was like you, I've had those days where I do my what if's, but then I find myself with tears as you did, because as a mother with a keen heart, losing a child would just be difficult. I feel like I should put aside all the whats if and live the here and now. Let the what if's come if they have to but until then I will do my best to avoid it. I love your strength that you show, although you may not feel it, I can see it through your words. You are a wonderful mother and that is why God gave you another child. I love to repeat the words of the hymn over and over when I am down..
"Fear not for I am with thee,Oh be not dismay,
For I am thy God and I WILL GIVE THEE AID,
I will strengthen thee, Help thee,cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my rightous Omnipotent hand. "
Or this saying..
"They say you will never be lonely from the start of each day to it's end,
If you walk lifes path with God in your heart and side by side with a friend."
I love you and your family. Congrats on baby on the way!!:D
Vika, I am so happy for your family on the new baby on the way. I know that Alani is up there telling that special spirit what a great mommy they both have, and what a loving family he or she is coming to! Alani knows what a great comfort this new spirit will be for you guys. I promise that it will get easier, and what joy we can have in the knowledge that we will one day hold our baby boys again. Love you girl, keep on blogging!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Vika....I cant imagine your pain. It breaks my heart. Heavenly Father has a purpose for all. He knows that you are a wonderful mother and knows that this unborn baby will be safe in your arms! Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteAlani is watchin over you and your family...and through little feelings or memories you have he is telling you that he loves you and that it will be okay! Keep up on the path of becoming a eternal family! You will be blessed if you continue to do what you know in your heart is right! H.F. will comfort you everyday if you have faith in his spirit! I love you Vika! Even though it's been forever since I have seen you or even talked to you....I Love you!
Congratulations about the new baby Silia! I actually read a quote today by Dr. Suess that said "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I haven't ever had to deal with this trial so I'm not one to be giving advice but as far as my opinion goes I think it is so important especially when thing are tough that you focus on what you do have. It broke my heart to hear you say you would hold your two year old and imagine you were holding Alani. I can see why something so tragic would cause you would feel that way. Everyone knows the old cliche "you don't know what you have until it's gone" because it's so true. But I also believe if it was the other way around and you lost your two year old, you would be holding Alani and imagining it was Fehoko. I know every one of your children mean everything to you. I hope that through all the the hard days and night that you can always take comfort in holding each and every one of your children and understand how each and every one of them bless your life and that you can smile because Alani did happen. He blessed your life even for the short time he was here and still continues to bless your life and will until you are able to be reunited in the next life.
ReplyDeleteBy the way Silia, Keep writing. I have really enjoyed reading your blog. I can see how this not only help you through your hard times with the love and support of all others who care for you and your family but also how it can help strengthen the lives of anyone who is blessed enough to read it.
ReplyDeleteTyler H.
Vika! Im soo happy that you are blogging, I think it willhelp cope with the pain. Im so sorry for what you guys are going through, but im soo happy for this baby on the way, god does work in mysterious ways. I love how you think of it that god needed baby for a better and greater purpose, but also blessed you with another. You remind me alot of Emma Smith. All of these things happened to her, but quite a few times more. Maybe reading books about her and stuff can help you too. You are amazing that you made this challenge a stepping stone rather that a stumbling stone. I know Heavenly Father is sooo proud of you. Love you Vika!
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