Day by Day

Today is the 2nd day writing and Yesterday I did pretty well. We went to the cemetary visited my baby since that was his 1month yesterday. I sat there looking at my kids running around and thought of my baby that he would be running around also. Little things like that when I see my kids just acting like kids I always see my baby right behind them following them. Still til this day when we pack the kids up to go somewhere I still feel like someone is missing. I can't even take his carseat out of our car yet, its not hooked up its just in our car. I'm not ready to have that removed. Call me crazy but it still has his scent from the last time he sat in it.
After the cemetary we went to my brothers house then my neice treated me and 3 of my kids to the movies. It was a nice night but I almost didn't go to the movies just because I feel like I'm out of my comfort zone I rather just stay home. I'm not fully ready to be around people I guess I don't know, I just feel uncomfortable around other babies or kids that would be around his age just because I think of him and imagine my son. It's so crazy because when other people talk about my son Alani I just don't want to hear it,like I'm the only one who can talk about him like when my other kids say something like a memory or this is what Alani would do I'm quite and I feel like telling them not to bring him up. It makes me feel selfish I have NO idea why I feel that way. But I know that my kids ALL Love and Miss him just as much as my husband and I do.
Yesterday in the morning my 2yr old Fehoko woke up kinda just woke up and his eyes opened and I was just lookin at him he just layed there looking at Alani's picture that we have in our room and stared at it for a minute. Then he went back to sleep. I feel sad for my son because he was close in age with Alani. Fehoko is 2yrs old and Alani was 1yrs old but they were just like twins. They played together,would eat together and would fight together but Fehoko would always let Alani win. Fehoko never really would fight back to Alani, maybe sometimes we would catch him pushing alani and alani would just get back up and fight back. But fehoko would always share his food with Alani even when he didn't want to. Alot of the times Fehoko would be eating and here came Alani and he woulld take whatever fehoko was eating and walk away and fehoko would just cry. That was always fun to watch cause I thought it was so cute that he wouldn't do anything. I really feel that Fehoko knows that he is missing in our daily lives but I'm definetly sure that he still feels his lil brother around us. Alot of the times I feel like Alani is in fehoko. I don't mean like that movie "Ghost" where the spirit jumps into the human body and does things that only spirit would do. But I just notice little things when its just me and Fehoko,he does things just like Alani would do. For exsample the other day it was last week I was really having a bad time missing Alani and I couldn't get out of bed and Ray was at work I woke up that morning and made the other boys breakfast let them eat and I went upstairs and laid in bed and just couldn't stop crying because that was a regular routine with all of the boys. Shortly maybe 5min later Fehoko comes upstairs and peaks thru my door and walks over to the side of the bed and lifts his hands to pick him up and he just layed with me and gave me hugs. I cried even more and I said to fehoko "Thank you Alani for telling Fehoko to come up and checking on me" I know it sounds crazy but I really do feel like he doesn't want me to cry over him and to be sad that he is gone. That day I can honestly say that I was feeling and thinking "What if I took sleeping pills and just never woke up?" I know Harsh right,but I thought of ALL my kids and my husband and family and what a SELFISH thing that would be for me to do. But that day Fehoko laid by me ALL DAY and slept and stuck by my side. I am Greatful for those little things in life. I knew it was not my time yet like one of my friends said to me that what if we did comitt suicide and we get to see our son we would see that our son is HAPPY AND SAFE and our childern and family here on earth are just so heartbroken and it would be too late. That really made sense to me, I know my baby is in a safe and happy place where there is NO SORROW NO HARM and he is in VERY GOOD HANDS. I know the reason that I hurt so much day by day is because I don't know the gospel yet the FULL GOSPEL yet. There is sooo much more for my family and I to learn I can say I'm so very excited. I know the happiest day of our lives will be that day we are sealed for time and eternity.
As the days go by I look at my past and I thought to myself "what a wonderful like I lived" I did everything I wanted to do went out with great friends, had great times with my husband had wonderful childern. So now I think that this is now the time to change for me not because my son passed away and not because I'm pregnet now. Just because I feel it in my heart that I went and did the things I wanted to do for so long such as smoking, drinking, not going to church not paying my tithing not living by the gospel the only thing I knew was that the Church is true. But not really KNOWING. If that makes sence. But now I feel like my eyes are open and I know what we need to do. Even tho I still get angry I still swear (but I'm sooo working on that) and still watch T.V on sundays. But I think alot of people still shares that same weaknesses. As long as I can conqure the major things such as my drinking and smoking. That was my first step.
My kids are sooo HAPPY that I quit that they used to bug me alot and say "stop smoking" that I'm gonna die fast. How crazy that I didn't even care back then that I thought I was not going to die anytime soon that I would Imagine myself living til all my kids are married. But now I know that NOTHING is gurenteed in life. But if we are sealed that is the Gurentee in life for my kids and my husband and I.
You know anything is possible in life, You just have to make it possible, and if a person such as I who strayed from the church for sooo long can feel so passionate about how the chruch is true and that there is life after death. That this is not it for us when we pass. Thats why I always wonderd "why would my mom would say"I just want to die before I get older" because she doesn't want to suffer here on earth that her pain would be no more, that she already knows that she has her gurenteed Eternal Life. For me right now I would be scared if I passed away because I do not have that gurentee yet and how long would I have to wait til that day.
I can honestly say that everyday I feel closer to the lord, the more I pray.
Everyday I say a prayer for help to get thru the day without hurting and crying it really does help me get thru my day. All I know is that Day by Day it is getting better for me.
I just want to say I love my family and kids Soo much. Alani I Love you so very much. You will Never be forgotten..