WTF!!!

Ok its been a crazy year and all I can say is WTF! This blog is going to be on how I feel how angry I am, happy I am and confused I am! I just got out of the hospital yesterday and I was admitted on Monday 4/19/10. I started to spot lightly on Sunday, I already knew! I knew I was going thru a miscarriage! I called my Doctor of course she said it doesn't mean anything now to wait til Monday and go in and see her. But I knew!! I go in on Monday morning she checks me then she schedules a ultrasound for me to get checked in case, I went and got my blood drawn and then waited for my ultrasound! I started to CRAMP UP!! This was like labor cramps but worse! I miscarried before in 1999 so I already knew what was going to happen! So while I was waiting for my Ultrasound I sat there and I felt like a HUGE bag of blood just exploded in my pants! It was HORRIBLE!! I felt blood going down my leg and everything! I told the lady in the office I'm miscarrying and I need to go to the bathroom! As I was walking to the bathroom all I could do was CRY! went to the bathroom can cried more! I called my Dr. which her office was upstairs and told her what was happening and she came downstairs and brought me some scrubs to change into. She told me to just wait and change then go upstairs to her office. Ok I sat there and sat there just crying my husband kept calling I talked to him for a lil bit and I told him I can't really talk I'll call him back and I hung up! One hour later a nurse from my Dr. office came down to help me now this is one hour of bleeding still heavy blood everywhere in this little bathroom and I was getting light headed. This nurse came I opened the door and she helped me up and all I remember is saying "I'm dizzy!!" and I passed OUT!! I now understand the meaning of My life flashed before my eyes!! Now I don't want to sound like I saw the other side cause I really have no idea what I saw all I remember is I knocked out I was on the floor and I didn't know I was passed out! I just remember hearing voices but I saw all white and people walking but it was so quick I thought of my kids my family and I heard the nurse's voice saying she just fainted! and she needed help she ran and got the Dr. from the ER! Ok this type of shit was CRAZY! I NEVER PASS OUT! til now! I just remember the ER doctor saying if that nurse never found her she would of just bled to death and no one would of found her it would of been too late! WOW! Ok SCARY! WTF! I remember one of them wanting my phone number to call someone and I guess one of the nurses went thru my phone and called my last number that called me and it was my husband! Long story short I had to have a blood transfusion cause I lost ALLOT of blood and I was HELLA SCARED! but all in all everything went good my brother and dad came and gave me a blessing and I am feeling better! My parents is telling me don't have anymore kids, my husband is saying no more kids! But I want 1more kid! I don't know! I'm really debating! I'm really starting to ALMOST give up! I know I know don't give up! But in my head I'm thinking I need to start on the same page as my husband side by side and start fresh together! I don't know!! I'm LOST! So lost and confused more now! I'm thinking too much my doctor has me on Anti depressants and I think I'm gonna stop taking them because I don't know what da hell its supposed to make me feel. I'm praying and I feel like nothing is going my way I don't want anything else to happen to my family or I for sure give up on everything I was trying so hard for! I know god left me here on earth to take care of my kids here! But for that little time that I was passed out I felt NO PAIN felt like I've been there before! But woke up! Gosh what a year..I'm falling and all I want to do is be home and never come out! I'm falling and I don't know if I want help... Satan is REALLY working hard on my family, and I feel like my husband and I are going to weary off the right path! I'm trying NOT to let Satan win. But its really hard when one is letting him pull you to his side and one is standing alone and is really thinking to stand by you! I love my family and Alani I miss you tons! Alani you will never be forgotten!! Much Love!! What a Year! It Freakin sucks!! So far!

Can't Sleep..

Today we had our Family home evening and to me things are still NOT the same here I know everyday goes by and its supposed to be easier but HONESTLY, its really not. I have to say I am happy that my little family is getting closer and is on the right path, but I feel like I'm still in the same place the same spot not moving anywhere. That's just weird to me. Well the days go by and it's KINDA better. Everyday I do try to start doing the things I usually would do but its not going by so easy for me. Last week I made shredded chicken with BBQ sauce which ALL my kids LOVE! and I couldn't help it but I started to cry, I was crying because when ever I would cook this my baby Alani would run to me to eat or to come and get the bone from me. That was hard and I realized that I can't not do the things that I used to do all the time when my baby was still alive just because he is not here with me now, but to me I feel like I just can't! Is that selfish of me? Why am I living my life like this? I keep saying to myself he is in such a better place now, but why can't I move on with my life? EVERY single day I think about my baby, and every single day I sit and try not to because it will just make me think of him and want him here more and more each day. I fell asleep and then I woke up again because I had to wash my husband and kids clothes for the next day and I couldn't stop thinking of when I used to do that allot when my baby Alani was still here, but the funny thing is he would usually wake up and get off the bed and sit at the top of the stairs and call for me or cry for me. and I would go upstairs and pick him up and we would go and lay back down and I would breastfeed him and he would go back to bed. That's what the saddest part is for me is I still have milk in my breast's that it never dried up and I was still nursing him. Every now and then I would leak just a little bit in my bra and I can't help but to cry. Because as a Nursing mother usually when your milk starts to leak is when your baby is crying or hungry. Yeah that sucks for me and with this pregnancy my emotions are sooo UP AND DOWN.. and my poor family is dealing with it. I love them!
Anyways my nights are coming back where I can't sleep again I will sleep early and wake up in the middle of the night and lay there and just try to go back to sleep but when I wake up I go check on my other kids, I think just because I'm still paranoid like I don't want them to sleep. I know I shouldn't worry about them with S.I.D.S but I still do with my 2yr old. My friend told me that kids have can have s.i.d.s up until they are 2yrs old so I still get scared with my 2yr old and constantly checking on him. I have never hated a anything in my whole life soo much like this S.I.D.S. But it made me think after all these years the Doctors still have no cure for this? and a friend and I were talking that this must be something that Heavenly Father made up to take the babies that he needs and its just un explained. Its soo sad but there is always something in this world that has to happen for good or bad. All I have to say now is this part of my life really freaking sucks right now and I REALLY do hope it will get better for me I know I sound sooo strong in my other blogs but some days I feel strong and some days I feel weak. I mean I know the Church is true and my testimony is so much stronger now. But still I'm only human and I MISS MY BABY SOOOO MUCH. I still sit here and think about allot of what if's. But I do have to let those go and I need to move forward and just remember all the happy thoughts of my son. I know he knows I miss him sooooo much! and LOVE HIM EVEN MORE! But all I can do is pray. Allot of the times I just forget and I only pray when I'm feeling down. Even tho I know I need to pray morning and night and before we eat,and we usually do. But that is something I really need to work on. It seems like alot of us only pray when we need something, when we are in need of help. I know Heavenly Father doesn't mind. But why do we do that only think of him when we are in need of help? I don't know, I think because we want comfort at that time we want a miracle, or we know he REALLY does live and he is the only one who can get us or help us in our time of need! I feel guilty because I am one of those people who always did that I would always only pray when I wanted his help, I now know that I need to stop doing that! I'm really trying to live my life like he would, but its harder than I thought. Every little thing that goes on in my brain makes me think, Holy crap Satan is stronger than I thought and he is everywhere. Like with my husband and I, sometimes there are just times where I get sooo angry with him about anything and we are not fighting everything is great but then in my head I feel the need to bring something up that I know that will make us start to fight so I'm debating should I? or NOT? and what do you know I bring it up like a dummy. and sure enough we start to argue. That is so Satan! haha I know that satan is trying not to have us go forward and seal our family and is trying everything to have us go backwards but my husband and I need to be the stronger person and stay on the right path. We both know what we need to do, but its the doing part that's hard. I'm really proud of my husband he did stop drinking, but he is working on his smoking. I'm trying not to pressure him I'm trying to encourage him and letting him quit when he is ready. Because I know how hard it is to quit smoking since I was a smoker also. I know his day of his last cig. will soon to come I just hope it will be really soon. I pray for that every time I bow my head. I Love my family so very much. and I hope I can go and close my eyes and have a good rest after I'm done with this. But I really do appreciate all the wonderful comments you all have left me and I really do take everything that is said to Heart! Thank you.. Much Love... and Alani I Love you sooo much You will NEVER be FORGOTTEN!

Easter Sunday and General Conference

I haven't written in here for a while and things got rocky the last couple days, and I got way LAZY to write. But yesterday was Easter Sunday and the 180th General Conference. For some reason I couldn't wait til it started because I just want to hear what the Lord wanted us to do and work on. To me General Conference is a yearly meeting of what Jesus Christs tells the prophet what to let us know what we need to start doing what to be prepared for down the road. Even tho that maybe way wrong, that's how I look at it. Well yesterday I woke up early I was going to make breakfast but everyone was still sleeping, I went to my parents to pick up my daughter and it was barley opening prayer when I got to my parents house so I sat there for a lil bit watching it and we left. We got home and I told my daughter to turn the t.v on to the Conference so we can listen to it while we cook and clean. Well I went upstairs and laid back down for a lil bit then I heard I think it was Donald L. Halstorm talking from upstairs and all I heard was something about a death of a baby or child.. I jumped up and RAN down the stairs and told my daughter to turn it up I sat there and listened to his talk I caught it when he was talking about a family who had lost a child and they were very strong in the church but when the child or baby passed I remember him saying they blamed the Doctors and then they turned their backs on the Lord. I was crying sooo hard first because I didn't hear the whole talk and hopefully I see it on a re run or something and because that was my story. Well that's how I felt but totally opposite my husband and I were not strong in the church we did not turn our backs on the Lord we understood that he was taken for a reason. But as I listened to the remaining of the talks that first session I could not stop crying! I was wondering in my head WOW! most of their talks and testimony was on families and tragedy. I thought and told my husband out of all the years I NEVER listened or watched conf. this one was the answer to my prayers. I felt like they were talking about my Life! I needed to watch it to help me cope still and Donald Halstrom said something like " if you never experience sorrow you'll never experience Joy" I think that's what he said but somewhere along that and its true, I look at it as if I NEVER lost my son that I LOVED WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL, I would still be doing the same thing drinking, smoking not going to church keep putting getting my kids sealed off.. But my son did pass away and what worse sorrow can a mother feel in her WHOLE LIFE..is to have a child pass away...and I understand that the HAPPIEST day of our lives will be that day when my family walks into that sealing room and we are sealed for ALL TIME AND ETERNITY! I believe that will be our Joy..After watching this conference this year that REALLY did strength my testimony and I REALLY know that Heavenly Father does hear EVERY single prayer..and that he does live.. I am really happy I was born to my parents and that all of us was put where we are in life for a reason..I look at life at a whole new standpoint now. Its just overwhelming! I LOVE MY SON Alani and until we meet again...Alani you will NEVER be forgotten!!!