Thursday, April 22, 2010
WTF!!!
Ok its been a crazy year and all I can say is WTF! This blog is going to be on how I feel how angry I am, happy I am and confused I am! I just got out of the hospital yesterday and I was admitted on Monday 4/19/10. I started to spot lightly on Sunday, I already knew! I knew I was going thru a miscarriage! I called my Doctor of course she said it doesn't mean anything now to wait til Monday and go in and see her. But I knew!! I go in on Monday morning she checks me then she schedules a ultrasound for me to get checked in case, I went and got my blood drawn and then waited for my ultrasound! I started to CRAMP UP!! This was like labor cramps but worse! I miscarried before in 1999 so I already knew what was going to happen! So while I was waiting for my Ultrasound I sat there and I felt like a HUGE bag of blood just exploded in my pants! It was HORRIBLE!! I felt blood going down my leg and everything! I told the lady in the office I'm miscarrying and I need to go to the bathroom! As I was walking to the bathroom all I could do was CRY! went to the bathroom can cried more! I called my Dr. which her office was upstairs and told her what was happening and she came downstairs and brought me some scrubs to change into. She told me to just wait and change then go upstairs to her office. Ok I sat there and sat there just crying my husband kept calling I talked to him for a lil bit and I told him I can't really talk I'll call him back and I hung up! One hour later a nurse from my Dr. office came down to help me now this is one hour of bleeding still heavy blood everywhere in this little bathroom and I was getting light headed. This nurse came I opened the door and she helped me up and all I remember is saying "I'm dizzy!!" and I passed OUT!! I now understand the meaning of My life flashed before my eyes!! Now I don't want to sound like I saw the other side cause I really have no idea what I saw all I remember is I knocked out I was on the floor and I didn't know I was passed out! I just remember hearing voices but I saw all white and people walking but it was so quick I thought of my kids my family and I heard the nurse's voice saying she just fainted! and she needed help she ran and got the Dr. from the ER! Ok this type of shit was CRAZY! I NEVER PASS OUT! til now! I just remember the ER doctor saying if that nurse never found her she would of just bled to death and no one would of found her it would of been too late! WOW! Ok SCARY! WTF! I remember one of them wanting my phone number to call someone and I guess one of the nurses went thru my phone and called my last number that called me and it was my husband! Long story short I had to have a blood transfusion cause I lost ALLOT of blood and I was HELLA SCARED! but all in all everything went good my brother and dad came and gave me a blessing and I am feeling better! My parents is telling me don't have anymore kids, my husband is saying no more kids! But I want 1more kid! I don't know! I'm really debating! I'm really starting to ALMOST give up! I know I know don't give up! But in my head I'm thinking I need to start on the same page as my husband side by side and start fresh together! I don't know!! I'm LOST! So lost and confused more now! I'm thinking too much my doctor has me on Anti depressants and I think I'm gonna stop taking them because I don't know what da hell its supposed to make me feel. I'm praying and I feel like nothing is going my way I don't want anything else to happen to my family or I for sure give up on everything I was trying so hard for! I know god left me here on earth to take care of my kids here! But for that little time that I was passed out I felt NO PAIN felt like I've been there before! But woke up! Gosh what a year..I'm falling and all I want to do is be home and never come out! I'm falling and I don't know if I want help... Satan is REALLY working hard on my family, and I feel like my husband and I are going to weary off the right path! I'm trying NOT to let Satan win. But its really hard when one is letting him pull you to his side and one is standing alone and is really thinking to stand by you! I love my family and Alani I miss you tons! Alani you will never be forgotten!! Much Love!! What a Year! It Freakin sucks!! So far!
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I'm so sorry Vika that you are going thru all this. But maybe the Lord is testing your strength, your love, and will power for eternity with you baby! Keep that in your mind at all times when u feel like giving up! Remember when you give up on life, life gives up on YOU! Be strong for your kids, it's not fair, it freakin sucks, but YOU have to do it!! Do it for ETERNITY, I promise you, it's well worth all the struggles, hardships, and pain you are going thru...and remember the Lord has felt everything you are going thru and more...so lean on him bcuz he understands your pain!!! Pray with ur husband if you should have another child. Maybe the timing isn't right. Love you Vika, please call me or text hi and I'll run over and just talk or listen to you. Hope your burden gets lighter, and that your faith gets stronger!!!! :) So sorry for your loss, but I know just as you, that your children are promised to you beyond the veil...get some rest, and let others HELP U, u can't do everything ALONE...
ReplyDeletewow! anna summed that up better than I think anyone can! she is righ thtough, christ knows what you are going through, because he suffered that plus more! I love you Vika!
ReplyDeleteSheesh, that is one heck of a way to start the year, but at least you got it started!! The purpose of these trials is not to see how many we can get through or how strong we are when faced with them, but to see how we deal with the situation at hand and if we were able to maintain our strength or help it grow within in ourselves and our family. I am not going to tell you it's okay because only God knows what's in store for you. I do have a testmony that The church is true and that God loves you Vika! I also believe that he never promised to take away all your pain, but he did promise to lighten your burden so you would be able to carry the load. I love you vika, although you may not want help nor support, there are others who need your help and support!!! Like Anna said, I am here if you need me.
ReplyDeleteI forgot one more thing. Although this is a tough time for you Vika, please know that your strength thus far is increditable and most people can only wish to have that strength you carring around to help you get through day by day!! I know it will get better for you. You just have to take it one day at a time. If you feel like you need a break from all the stress take it. But don't give up!! LOve you Vika..
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Klarah
Oh Hon! This is Tyler Hollingshead Sister. I wish I could tell you that everything will be great and you can have more kids with no difficulty. Just know everyone is scared for you and thats why they feel no more but before you know it will be having another kid with everyones support or you will no longer want more. But ME I would want more so I can imagine how your feeling. I know that mommies have that feeling of who we are suppose to mother. It will work out just the way you planned when your children asked you to bring them here. If you don't let satin in you will WIN!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBut if you ever need a Uterus to carry your baby.... You may have mine!!!!!!!!
loves, Jen
DO NOT LET SATAN WIN! There is only one who is stronger than him, and that is Christ. Put ALL of your faith in Christ and He will carry you to that finished line. You can't do it alone. I know that you have heard this over and over again, but it is so true..."When life gets to hard to stand, Kneel." I believe that Vika. Praying isn't as easy as it sounds, but the relief of the pain is so comforting. You will NEVER find comfort in Satan. He blinds you and hardens your heart towards all that is good. Satan's way is easy, because the so called "rewards" bring temporal happiness. Where as the Lords way is hard, but the rewards bring eternal happiness. Vee, you've never experienced with your family eternal happiness. It's beautiful. Please make the choice for eternity.
ReplyDeleteWhen you feel that you are ready to let the Lords angels on earth in to help you, welcome them in with open arms. There are so many people who are willing and waiting to lighten your burdens Vee. Let them. That is why the Lord has centered his Church around families, so that we can all lean on eachother. One of my favorite sayings is, "Service is the rent you pay for living." Let us serve you Vika. We love you!!
Hey Vee...Now that I am blogging-LOL Just read about this one...sorry, that it had to happen and for anyone to go through what you have...You're strong! Love you to no end girl! Sia **Keep your head up!**
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