Can't Sleep..

Today we had our Family home evening and to me things are still NOT the same here I know everyday goes by and its supposed to be easier but HONESTLY, its really not. I have to say I am happy that my little family is getting closer and is on the right path, but I feel like I'm still in the same place the same spot not moving anywhere. That's just weird to me. Well the days go by and it's KINDA better. Everyday I do try to start doing the things I usually would do but its not going by so easy for me. Last week I made shredded chicken with BBQ sauce which ALL my kids LOVE! and I couldn't help it but I started to cry, I was crying because when ever I would cook this my baby Alani would run to me to eat or to come and get the bone from me. That was hard and I realized that I can't not do the things that I used to do all the time when my baby was still alive just because he is not here with me now, but to me I feel like I just can't! Is that selfish of me? Why am I living my life like this? I keep saying to myself he is in such a better place now, but why can't I move on with my life? EVERY single day I think about my baby, and every single day I sit and try not to because it will just make me think of him and want him here more and more each day. I fell asleep and then I woke up again because I had to wash my husband and kids clothes for the next day and I couldn't stop thinking of when I used to do that allot when my baby Alani was still here, but the funny thing is he would usually wake up and get off the bed and sit at the top of the stairs and call for me or cry for me. and I would go upstairs and pick him up and we would go and lay back down and I would breastfeed him and he would go back to bed. That's what the saddest part is for me is I still have milk in my breast's that it never dried up and I was still nursing him. Every now and then I would leak just a little bit in my bra and I can't help but to cry. Because as a Nursing mother usually when your milk starts to leak is when your baby is crying or hungry. Yeah that sucks for me and with this pregnancy my emotions are sooo UP AND DOWN.. and my poor family is dealing with it. I love them!
Anyways my nights are coming back where I can't sleep again I will sleep early and wake up in the middle of the night and lay there and just try to go back to sleep but when I wake up I go check on my other kids, I think just because I'm still paranoid like I don't want them to sleep. I know I shouldn't worry about them with S.I.D.S but I still do with my 2yr old. My friend told me that kids have can have s.i.d.s up until they are 2yrs old so I still get scared with my 2yr old and constantly checking on him. I have never hated a anything in my whole life soo much like this S.I.D.S. But it made me think after all these years the Doctors still have no cure for this? and a friend and I were talking that this must be something that Heavenly Father made up to take the babies that he needs and its just un explained. Its soo sad but there is always something in this world that has to happen for good or bad. All I have to say now is this part of my life really freaking sucks right now and I REALLY do hope it will get better for me I know I sound sooo strong in my other blogs but some days I feel strong and some days I feel weak. I mean I know the Church is true and my testimony is so much stronger now. But still I'm only human and I MISS MY BABY SOOOO MUCH. I still sit here and think about allot of what if's. But I do have to let those go and I need to move forward and just remember all the happy thoughts of my son. I know he knows I miss him sooooo much! and LOVE HIM EVEN MORE! But all I can do is pray. Allot of the times I just forget and I only pray when I'm feeling down. Even tho I know I need to pray morning and night and before we eat,and we usually do. But that is something I really need to work on. It seems like alot of us only pray when we need something, when we are in need of help. I know Heavenly Father doesn't mind. But why do we do that only think of him when we are in need of help? I don't know, I think because we want comfort at that time we want a miracle, or we know he REALLY does live and he is the only one who can get us or help us in our time of need! I feel guilty because I am one of those people who always did that I would always only pray when I wanted his help, I now know that I need to stop doing that! I'm really trying to live my life like he would, but its harder than I thought. Every little thing that goes on in my brain makes me think, Holy crap Satan is stronger than I thought and he is everywhere. Like with my husband and I, sometimes there are just times where I get sooo angry with him about anything and we are not fighting everything is great but then in my head I feel the need to bring something up that I know that will make us start to fight so I'm debating should I? or NOT? and what do you know I bring it up like a dummy. and sure enough we start to argue. That is so Satan! haha I know that satan is trying not to have us go forward and seal our family and is trying everything to have us go backwards but my husband and I need to be the stronger person and stay on the right path. We both know what we need to do, but its the doing part that's hard. I'm really proud of my husband he did stop drinking, but he is working on his smoking. I'm trying not to pressure him I'm trying to encourage him and letting him quit when he is ready. Because I know how hard it is to quit smoking since I was a smoker also. I know his day of his last cig. will soon to come I just hope it will be really soon. I pray for that every time I bow my head. I Love my family so very much. and I hope I can go and close my eyes and have a good rest after I'm done with this. But I really do appreciate all the wonderful comments you all have left me and I really do take everything that is said to Heart! Thank you.. Much Love... and Alani I Love you sooo much You will NEVER be FORGOTTEN!